I usually write informative and analytical articles. But today I want to share my thoughts and invite you to discuss. During this year I have seen thousands of articles in the style "Don't complain, thank!"... And to be honest, I feel a lot of anger about it. I think about my clients, people with a difficult and very important history. The story, unfortunately, is often sad. They come and ask for help to change their lives. And learning their history, my tongue will not turn to tell them like that. You cannot change your life without changing the way you think and feel about your experience.
In the work of the psychotherapist, such an internal process as countertransference plays a very important role. These are the therapist's feelings about the client's story. Sometimes it is the Client's feelings that the therapist empathically considered. And when I listen to stories about violence, double binds, neglect and ignorance ... I, neither as a psychologist, nor as a person in general, can not understand how you can be thankful for that. But thousands of articles on the Internet urge you to thank and forgive your offenders. Changing your thinking from “negative” to “positive” is cool if everything is fine in your life, but there is a nuance.
In the context of psychological trauma, this method does not work. Because the feeling of gratitude cannot arise where there is pain, rage and fear. And if it does, is it normal? Hardly. On Forgiveness: Is Beating Worth Forgiving? Rape? Failure to meet your physical needs? My point is no. One can argue here, because forgiveness is often equated with tranquility. But for me and in my practice, these are different things. I am in favor of calling a spade a spade. You can relive the trauma, work through it, let go of your feelings. In the end, you can accept them and perceive them as reality. But forgive ... why?
There is one thought that I can share in the above articles.
Changing your mindset is the first step to changing your life. But the method and form of changing thinking, in my opinion, should be different. Want to share? I would call this change inside "Kill the moose in yourself." Why moose? Because most people have a reality avoidance mechanism that can be described in one word "HAPPENED to me." This wording initially deprives you of the chance to change something. After all, this LOSE means that something happened that does not depend on you, that you do not control and that controls you. How can you change anything in this case? Therefore, the first thing to do is kill the moose.
When you talk about what's going on in your life ... or even think about it, formulate thoughts and sentences so that they contain a story about your thoughts, actions and feelings. This is a large piece of responsibility, and therefore your influence. For example: Instead of "I lost interest in a relationship" say "I have lost interest in a relationship." Do you see the difference? If you lost interest and you want to return it, then the relationship has a chance. If the interest "disappeared" by itself (which is impossible in principle), then the relationship will either freeze or end. This simple change is a big inner step. Indeed, as you assign yourself various aspects of your life, you will gain power over yourself and over your life.
Most of my client interventions are geared towards exploring and transforming mental and emotional confusion. It arises precisely when there is no skill to appropriate different aspects of one's life. That is why we and our clients talk a lot about what exactly they are doing now to be where they are and what can be done differently. We also talk about the time when there was no opportunity to influence our life and we learn to let go of this experience. In my experience and the experience of my clients, I can confidently say that taking over your life is half the success in changing it.
Such an emotional and lively note came out :) If this story responded to you and you think that you would like to regain power over yourself and your life - contact us. Always happy to help!